Monday, September 2, 2013

Twerk, twerk, twerk, and all things ass related.

Let's start at the beginning.. where did I leave off?

Ah, the date at the castle:  The castle is actually a beautiful spot.  I left a summary of my findings in the last blog... My preference of girl dates to boy dates. Let's expand on that evening a little since I did indeed leave out some things worth mentioning:

The meal was fabulous.  Grilled Salmon and veggies, and of course the Champagne.  The night started out as entirely classy.  Dressed up, beautiful, and ready to go.  On my way to the dinner date, I stopped into the gas station that I do the accounting for, and my boss happened to see me dressed up. He was pretty impressed at how well I clean up, and has mentioned that he wants a more corporate atmosphere in the office, so since then I have given up my jeans and T's at work for more "corporate" attire. 

"Corporate" attire is probably a good choice since most of my corporate attire consists of black pants.  This works out well because..

**Here comes a pipe thought: I'm going to take you on a little conversational journey....
A few weeks ago I learned hard and fast that dark blue ink on the crotch area of dark blue jeans leaves a girl looking like she's p*ssed herself... The cutest part of that story?  No one will bring up urinary incontinence, so said girl will go ALL morning believing that she looks lovely...and maybeeeee there are a few too many people are looking at her bum. Yes! I was really liking those jeans!

And then... Then comes that mortifying moment in washroom, let's go through my thoughts at the moment I discovered the bright blue area inside my jeans:

"Humm, surely I would have felt it if I had..."
"Is this what I think it is???"
*Touches slightly darker pants...*
Suddenly my hands look like I've been groping Papa Smurf

"Ohhhh emmmmm geeee"
*Buries head in my new blue smurf hands*

Yep. Pretty much could've died.
So, I came home at noon hour, and told my ohhhhh-soooo sweet Mum about the incident.  Her thoughts on the subject?:
Mum: *Giggles* "Alex, it could just be proof you're a true blue-blood."

Alex: *dies a little on the inside*

Mum: "So, blue bird.  Let's go get the Shout!"

The stain came out.  Cool beans... I do really like those jeans!

***End of current pipe thought***
So!  Classy Thursday:  Here's how it continued...

Classy friend and I decided that the night shouldn't end without a bang.  We decided to end the night by visiting a mutual friend. Who could it be??!!

*Cue suspense music....*

My ex-boyfriends Mom.  This is not your average ex's Mom.  She's the mother of my first *real* boyfriend.  The "no-girl-could-ever-measure-up-to-Alex! If-she's-not-Alex-she's-not-worthy-of-my-son!" Mom.  You`ve had one.  She still loves you.  You still think she's pretty awesome, but you don't want her son back... ever.

I went there. 

It was fabulous.

She's probably still scheming thoughts about us getting back together, but I really only went there because I do adore the woman.  She usually has people over, so it was really a big old reunion of all the people I haven`t been able to see in the past 7 years, but still...

She's hardcore into me breeding her grandchildren.  I`m hardcore into...the complete opposite.

After that?  Oh... That's a tale for another day.  My night didn't end 'til about 5am. (The single life will indeed be the death of me).

So, what have we learned?

1)   If you're going to "back that ass up"... Don't do it into a garbage can with fresh commercial grade blue ink on the side...Especially in blue jeans.

2)   If said ass is backed into blue ink, no one is going to tell you anyways...

And finally: *Let's round out this post nicely*

3)   If you back that ass up at all?  You're never going to do it nearly as well as an eensie-weensie 58 year old Maltese lady backing it up into her 59 year old sister to demonstrate the meaning of "twerking".  Miley: You ain't got nothin' on that.

Oh the life of living with Mum.  My auntie Dia (dee-yah) came over tonight... I have to say, of all the things I've witnessed lately, that had to be the most entertaining... You'd pay to see it.  I'm getting a video next time.

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