Confessions of a "nice" girl

Life has been going well lately, but I've decided that living a content life just isn't chaotic enough... So, I volunteered myself to help my SBXH (Soon to be ex-husband) get the house ready for sale.

"Why did you do that?" you ask?

Well, this is the plight of the "nice girl".

I have a tendency to be helpful.  Too helpful, to the point that it compromises my own well being.  Yes, this may sound mean from an outside perspective.  Maybe.  Who knows what you're thinking right now.  Let's go into the details of my relationship and demonstrate this point.

My ex, Jim is a very nice fella.  He is outstanding as far as an outside person is concerned.  He always works, and generally has a pleasant air about him.  I've said it a million times, "He's a great guy, as long as I'm not married to him."

Jim and I had an interesting relationship.  People constantly quote about surviving the tough times, and prevailing, this makes their relationship stronger.  Good for them.

Jim and I struggled from the first week we started dating.  At that point I knew, I absolutely knew drugs and alcohol were going to be an issue for us.  Further into our relationship, we developed into spiteful people toward one another, and we would grow into the state which I called "purgatory"... Every conversation was a power struggle, and I would become introverted.  He would become.. something else.  We'll leave Jims issues out of this.  I'll just say that I would wish my position on no woman, although in his defence I will say that I had the tendency to push him to his limits.

Jim and I would separate, he would see me become my happy, optimistic self again. I would see him become more affectionate and loving,  and then we would get back together.  Unfortunately, every time we did, the cycle would begin again shortly after reconciliation.  We were poison toward one another.  I became a person I never thought I would become... We brought out the worst in one another.

We separated last year.  We were separated for almost two months.  My mistake there? I stayed in our home.  I felt bad seeing him alone, although he was not truly alone with me still there.  Eventually, his proclamations of love for me and willingness to change made me return to the always open arms that I so desperately needed. I promised to change.  He promised to change... we went on our merry way for almost a month, and then it started again.  I remember the exact date.  It was  his cousins wedding.  Since that date, I was introverted again.  I drowned my unhappiness by turning to a depressant as well... I lived in purgatory for almost a year. 

Then something happened to change it all.  I was okay living in my stale "life" because there was nothing I hadn't compromised before... Then one thing happened.  He made a mistake that I vowed I would never accept, and I took that as a ticket to my new life. I couldn't compromise any more.

I had always conceded to him.  Always went back to him because I felt guilty leaving him to live on his own.  To make his own way.  I have a need to help people, to spare them from pain.  I've wanted to fix that man the past seven years and ended up compromising every bit of myself, and he had never asked me to.  I was a chameleon, changing myself to be acceptable to him, and I was so disgusted with my compromises that I couldn't even be who I wanted him to see.  I was an absolute mess.  Caught up in binge eating to stave off my unhappiness, then the depression associated with it and I withdrew from him even more.

That's where he made his mistake.  I was no wife at that point, and he was seeking what I couldn't give knowing that I wouldn't forgive, but thinking that I would never find out.

So here we are.  The actions that ended our marriage were just products of a seven year power struggle, and a life where both of us compromised so much that we both resented one another.

So back to my main story.  The past few days I have been at my house, helping him to ready it for sale.  The first night involved a lot of tears.  We talk like civilized people.  I don't hate him, it's just a damn shame that we didn't recognize our differences sooner. 

The second night was strictly business.  Painting, cleaning, taking my cats to my Mums house.

The third night, tonight, he started again.  The terms of endearment.  I started feeling sad for him again.  I started feeling pity for leaving him alone, and feeling guilty for being the one that left.  I always feel like he does need me, and he plays that part well.  It does hurt me to hurt him, but this time I've kept my wits about me.  I realize how we talk when we're in a relationship versus the tone when we're together but seperate, I recognize the cycle.  But mainly?  I remember I have one thing left to compromise, and I absolutely cannot become a chameleon again.  I am Alex.  I am going to stay Alex, and I am happier as Alex. Alex cannot remain "Alex" with Jim. 

One of my goals on my "settle down list" is to quit smoking.  I quit last Monday. 

Guess this wasn't the week for that.

Twerk, twerk, twerk, and all things ass related.

Let's start at the beginning.. where did I leave off?

Ah, the date at the castle:  The castle is actually a beautiful spot.  I left a summary of my findings in the last blog... My preference of girl dates to boy dates. Let's expand on that evening a little since I did indeed leave out some things worth mentioning:

The meal was fabulous.  Grilled Salmon and veggies, and of course the Champagne.  The night started out as entirely classy.  Dressed up, beautiful, and ready to go.  On my way to the dinner date, I stopped into the gas station that I do the accounting for, and my boss happened to see me dressed up. He was pretty impressed at how well I clean up, and has mentioned that he wants a more corporate atmosphere in the office, so since then I have given up my jeans and T's at work for more "corporate" attire. 

"Corporate" attire is probably a good choice since most of my corporate attire consists of black pants.  This works out well because..

**Here comes a pipe thought: I'm going to take you on a little conversational journey....
A few weeks ago I learned hard and fast that dark blue ink on the crotch area of dark blue jeans leaves a girl looking like she's p*ssed herself... The cutest part of that story?  No one will bring up urinary incontinence, so said girl will go ALL morning believing that she looks lovely...and maybeeeee there are a few too many people are looking at her bum. Yes! I was really liking those jeans!

And then... Then comes that mortifying moment in washroom, let's go through my thoughts at the moment I discovered the bright blue area inside my jeans:

"Humm, surely I would have felt it if I had..."
"Is this what I think it is???"
*Touches slightly darker pants...*
Suddenly my hands look like I've been groping Papa Smurf
"Ohhhh emmmmm geeee"
*Buries head in my new blue smurf hands*

Yep. Pretty much could've died.

So, I came home at noon hour, and told my ohhhhh-soooo sweet Mum about the incident.  Her thoughts on the subject?:
Mum: *Giggles* "Alex, it could just be proof you're a true blue-blood."

Alex: *dies a little on the inside*

Mum: "So, blue bird.  Let's go get the Shout!"

The stain came out.  Cool beans... I do really like those jeans!

***End of current pipe thought***
So!  Classy Thursday:  Here's how it continued...

Classy friend and I decided that the night shouldn't end without a bang.  We decided to end the night by visiting a mutual friend. Who could it be??!!

*Cue suspense music....*

My ex-boyfriends Mom.  This is not your average ex's Mom.  She's the mother of my first *real* boyfriend.  The "no-girl-could-ever-measure-up-to-Alex! If-she's-not-Alex-she's-not-worthy-of-my-son!" Mom.  You`ve had one.  She still loves you.  You still think she's pretty awesome, but you don't want her son back... ever.

I went there. 

It was fabulous.

She's probably still scheming thoughts about us getting back together, but I really only went there because I do adore the woman.  She usually has people over, so it was really a big old reunion of all the people I haven`t been able to see in the past 7 years, but still...

She's hardcore into me breeding her grandchildren.  I`m hardcore into...the complete opposite.

After that?  Oh... That's a tale for another day.  My night didn't end 'til about 5am. (The single life will indeed be the death of me).

So, what have we learned?

1)   If you're going to "back that ass up"... Don't do it into a garbage can with fresh commercial grade blue ink on the side...Especially in blue jeans.

2)   If said ass is backed into blue ink, no one is going to tell you anyways...

And finally: *Let's round out this post nicely*

3)   If you back that ass up at all?  You're never going to do it nearly as well as an eensie-weensie 58 year old Maltese lady backing it up into her 59 year old sister to demonstrate the meaning of "twerking".  Miley: You ain't got nothin' on that.

Oh the life of living with Mum.  My auntie Dia (dee-yah) came over tonight... I have to say, of all the things I've witnessed lately, that had to be the most entertaining... You'd pay to see it.  I'm getting a video next time.

Classy (With a "C") Thursday.

After my first "fancy shmancey" girl date - the evening that has since been dubbed "Classy Thursday",  I've come to the conclusion that "dating" men doesn't come close to going on female dates.

I went out with my newest close girl friend last Thursday evening, and it was an absolute delight.  I can honestly say, it was the most relaxed I've ever been at a fancy restaurant. 

SO! If you are a perfectly nice, straight, single lady toying with the idea of going on a boy date, I beg you! Stop!  The following is a list of why you've picked the wrong gender.  Think it over hard, sistah. 

Why should girls go out with girls? Observations from the book of single Alex:

1) With women, there are no awkward "Do you pay... or do I pay... or do we pay separate... or should we split the bill...? " moments.  I'm convinced that these "boy date" moments are the reason for any "eat and run" occurrences at restaurants.  If you ever see me sporting a cute dress and sneakers on a boy date, you'll know why!)

2) Sharing a bottle of Champagne does not have any underlying connotations.  -Actually, maybe it does. The underlying message?  "I've had a tough day at work, and you're damn right I'mma drink half of this overpriced bubbly... and yes. I might get tipsy, and yes.  I mayyyy burp."

3) Talking about ex's is not a faux pas. It's encouraged!  Let's dish while we wait for our dish!

4) You're having more fun than the awkward couple on their first date beside you. "So umm... do you like... stuff?" *awkward sip of water*

5) You don't worry about being overdressed or wearing something overly revealing.  We females, we discuss attire before leaving the house.

6) Talking about "girl problems" is not a faux pas. Also encouraged!

7) You expect to go on the date with baggage, and are completely prepared to discuss and analyze it.

8) Girl dates are therapeutic.  Boy dates tend to be the reason for NEEDING therapy.

9) Girl dates are filled with truths.  Boy dates are filled with "beating around the bush". (No pun intended)

10) When dropping the girl off from said "girl date" you're thrilled to receive a text 10 minutes later asking if you made it home okay, and feel completely comfortable sending her the same text when she drops you off.  There's never that awkward "should I text this soon?" feeling that comes with boy dates. "Do I text him?"  "Does the three day rule apply to men and women?"  "Is there still a three day rule?"  "My situation has to be different, he's sooooooooooooo into me -  I'll text him anyways..." *texts...* "He's not responding!!! Stupid, stupid, stupid... Is he busy?.." And so ensues overthinking for the duration of the aforementioned, abominable "three day rule"...

There are additional reasons for my preference of girl dates to boy dates, but we'll leave it at that.

Here is photographic evidence of the fun-filled evening:

Woot!  Girlie dates for the win!

Let's just call this one "Roading: The new life of Alex"

Sometimes, a girl just needs to get away!

The past weekend was Hullaballoo.  This event is heavily sponsored by my employer.  It involves a multitude of artists ranging from blues, to funk, to cover bands.  This event spans over three days, and because of the work sponsorship... I get free tickets! Yey!

Friday night was hectic.  I had to deliver the four-wheeler to my ex.  Prior to delivery, I met up with a fella I had talked to earlier in the week.  He's interested in the bike, so I let him take it for a spin.  He was polite, helpful, and over all a nice guy.  Sheesh - I thought that breed was extinct!

I learned to back up a trailer hitched to the truck.  This should have been on my list of "to-do's" because it's hard as hell!  Good news!  I didn't even jack knife the thing... (I did however, run over my Mums petunias.  ...Whoops...Let's not tell her.)

When I met new fella, he helped me unload and load the wheeler.  He also helped me strap it up. When I got to the house, the ex watched me unload it, and watched as I cursed the full way out of the driveway as I backed up.  He was drinking as usual, and just acted like a complete jerk. 

I went on a brief PEI excursion with the family this weekend.  I had full intentions of knocking some goals off my list, but unfortunately it didn't happen.  I did consider it a "road trip" because I drove the car to the island. :) One thing down *Crosses "Go on a Road Trip" off the list*

We went to a "haunted mansion" - choosing this activity forced me to forego a car show (Which the boys had PROMISED to take me to anyways).... But I'm glad I went to the mansion.  It was great!  I took tons of pictures. I'll post those later.

I've been sitting on this blog for three days waiting to have the ambition to upload my pictures, but honestly I haven't been home long enough to get at my laptop (And the internet connection is the appropriate speed for the two 50-somethings that I live with)... So forgive my lack of posting.  I had the best of intentions to make this awesome, but...well....

Anyways, I have loads to update including "the list" and "slightly straying from the list"...

Stay tuned!  I'd love to tell you all about it!

 

Well now! This looks like a nice rock to hide under!

Initially, I had fully intended to carefully think out this post, but since the local world has already viewed the events of Wednesday night due to a misplaced post in FACEBOOK, I believe it's worth posting here.  Hey!  I had some "likes" before I deleted the post.  Horrible, horrible, horrible.

So, without further adieu, here it is.  Note the commentary in red.  (The commentary is what I would have followed up with if the post had gone where it was intended to go.)

Just to give a little backstory here.  The post was intended to go to close confidants.  It was actually posted in the local buy and sell group.  9200 members in a community that doesn't come close to that number.

"I went on my first girl date last night. I like my new friend. "Girl Date": Outing with a female.  No. I haven't switched sides, I just like the company of women.  I don't have to deal with... *shrug* the complexities of male/female relationships.

Ran into the fella I've crushed on since I was 5 years old. (He's in a committed relationship now and has children, no worries!).. And we talked for hours. "Hours":  This is a hyperbole.  It was off and on over the course of the evening.  He is super smart, and still absolutely adorable, but the conversation was completely platonic.  It was geared toward family, and life as it is.  Committed men are not my game.  As of right now, no men are my game, but especially the ones in a relationship.

Was asked out on a date by another fella, and I said "I'm sorry, I'm fresh out of a relationship and I'm not ready to date yet". Woot! (I usually would feel guilty)
Played pool at the local pool hall. I still got it ;) The owner said I could have a job there today if I wanted. We'll see. (I applied there for part time work last week)
Went to a gathering at McCain Avenue (Snob hill to the locals) If the people that live there don't know it's called "snob hill" then I'm not the only one living under a rock., and ate fabulous gourmet food, and socialized with a bunch of schmucks. "Schmucks": See below to understand who I deem a "schmuck".  I did not realize the terrible slur "schmuck" is at the time of the message - Thanks Wickipedia!  If I had known this, I would have surely used "douchebag". There were a few guys there I already knew from previous jobs, so other than the creepy rich guys making sexual innuendos("schmucks" but we'll use "douchebags"), it was a good spot to be. Note:  They were not ALL douchebags.  I liked a lot of them.  The "douchebags" are a turn-off, and I tend to dwell on that.  If they were all horrid I wouldn't have stuck around.

Pretty good girl date. From coffee to catching up to snob hill. Who knew so much could be done with one Wednesday.

In the time I was gone, my facebook inbox blew up from random people... Guess the word is out?

Guess they haven't realized I'm a nun yet." Yes, I've decided to start wearing a wimple.

Life with Mum...

When I thought of my life a few short weeks ago, I was proud of the fact that I had my own home, luxuries, lifestyle... I always wondered why anyone my age would live with their parents.

It's funny.  About a month ago, I was planning a 5 year anniversary trip with my husband for this September.  My step-dad, Jack had commented "Almost 5 years, Alex!  It's all downhill from there!", I joked and said "Knock on wood, Jack.  We haven't made it there yet!" 

Heh, I'm okay with the fact that he didn't knock on wood.

Life with Mum and Jack is pretty humorous.  I find a lot of amusement in my current situation.  I was sleeping in my tasteful queen size bed, in a house decorated in 50 shades of brown.  (We were always trying to sell, so we kept it pretty neutral).

My new room?:  Currently, I am sleeping in a single bed in a lilac room, underneath a fabulous purple unicorn border.   It's full of clothing.  Mums clothing.  Other than that?  The decorations are...interesting to say the least. There are porcelain dolls in there, honestly:  They aren't the creepiest thing I have to contend with.

I used to be very artistic, but I had trouble overcoming my fear of live subjects, so I would regularly draw sketches of myself in front of a mirror for practice.

The sketches?  Every one of them, including a HUGE 2' x 3' charcoal drawing of my grade 10 self are hung in my room. The large charcoal?  It's above my bed.  Yep.  It's an Alex shrine!  Honest to god, if I have anyone over I'm just going to say "Mom keeps those pictures hanging in there justtttttttt in case I come home so intoxicated that I forget which room is mine"...

*Shudder*

Upon first moving in, Mum gave me "The Talk".  The talk was about my tendency to jump into relationships.  Here's how it went:

Mum:   "Alex.  I know you like to be in a relationship, but don't jump into one this time."
Alex:   "Yes Mum, I know.  I'm swearing off relationships until I finish my goals on this list."
Mum:    "Well, I know a girl your age has needs."
Alex:   "Mum....."
Mum:    "I was young once too!  I still have needs!  Sometimes..."
Alex:    "MUM!...."
Mum:     "Well, SOMETIMES Alex, I still just HAVE to make the trip upstairs to his bed and..."
Alex:     "Ohgodohgodohgod....."
Mum:      "That's right, dear."
Alex:     *Covers face*
Mum:      "Well all I'm saying is, Alex if you need to get serviced, please, please, please,  just don't bring him home."

Yup.  Now I'm officially a car.  I'd like to think of myself as a BMW for the time being....Maybe a Toyota.  Shouldn't need an oil change for at least another 8000km.

Vroom-vroom.

Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end.

Since becoming more regimented in documenting my life lately, I've been inspired to try my hand at blogging again.  I've gone through a major life change over the past month, and because of that, my goals are now even more achievable!

Unfortunately, the end result of (but also the inspiration for) this journey is that I soon will be divorced. 

Since leaving my husband (long story: we've both made mistakes - he happened to get caught in an unforgivable one), I've became more involved in having an active social life.  Last night I listed all the activities I have taken part in over the past couple weeks of flying solo, and honestly I'm astounded at what I've accomplished.

As you may have noted from previous blogs, I struggle with disordered eating.  I've come to terms with the fact that a lot of my struggle stems from high emotions.  Since leaving he-who-shall-not-be-named (Yes, HP Fan!), I have not had a binge day.  Actually, I haven't eaten a single sweet.

Finally, I've composed a list of goals to achieve while I'm single.  I have a tendency to jump into relationships, and this is my way to stave off my fear of being alone.  Right now, I'm attempting to categorize the list so that I can have definite dates for achieving each milestone.

I'm thrilled to share my journey with you, from a slightly (understatement) sheltered wife to living the life I intended on having!  Reviewing my new list of goals makes me believe that this will be an exciting adventure!

Stay tuned.